


Eva Marlowe

by IvyDamaris



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drama, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Past James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:36:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29635437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyDamaris/pseuds/IvyDamaris
Summary: Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Number 12 Grimmauld Place? She should know the address. She knows it. Somewhere in the back of her alcohol abused brain she knows this address. Eva Marlowe joins the Order after staying away for fourteen years and finds out the most devastating truth of them all; Sirius Black is innocent... And then there is Harry, the boy with his mother’s eyes. How could she forget that she loved that boy? SB/OC  Harry & mother figure
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Sober.  Check. Making small talk.  Check. Presentable. Check.

**Sober. Making small talk. Presentable. _Check._**

Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Number 12 Grimmauld Place? _Number 12_ _Grimmauld Place…_ She should know the address. She knows it. Somewhere in the back of her alcohol abused brain she knows this address. She hasn’t been here before, but she knows it. She has heard it before. Spoken in disgust. In derision. A mocking scoff. So, she is apprehensive. But she is also apprehensive of other things. Mainly, of the Order’s members. She has no idea what awaits her at this address. She knows there will be Dumbledore as he was the one who tricked her into coming. As it was custom for him, he showed up unexpectedly when she was at her worst; exhausted, hungover, smelly and still puked on from the last shift and guiled her into coming. At least it was not as bad as the last time he visited her. _(Oh Merlin, the last time..!)_

It was not as if she didn’t want to fight against Voldemort. She would just rather do it without interacting with too many people. Or any people at all. It means making small talk, being sober and being presentable enough not to scare small children. After thirty-six hours on her feet. As the house appears from between numbers eleven and thirteen, she glances down upon her muggle jeans and long-sleeved shirt under simple midnight blue robe and shrugs. It is not as if she is looking for romantic prospects.

She reassures herself not many of the original members could be there and then feels guilty for taking comfort in it as the reason they will not be there is because most of them are dead or insane or in pri- _No! She will not think that!_

Dumbledore warned her not to ring a bell, so she knocks timidly. _Why the hell would you not be able to ring a bell? Who is going to hear that knock anyway_? It takes a while for anyone to open the door and as her apprehensiveness builds, she really wishes she had that shot of firewhisky she forgone for the sake of being sober at her first Order meeting. When a familiar red-headed woman opens the door, she breathes a sigh of relief.

“Molly?” She knows the woman pretty well from her continuous visits to St. Mungo’s emergency ward. Fred and George were practically inventory there.

“Healer Marlowe? Albus said to expect a new member.”

“Eva, please,” she tells the older woman that ushers her into the house through the grim darkened halls _(Are those house-elves heads?)_ into the somewhat liveable cellar kitchen. She relaxes at the sight of a handful of people, mostly red-heads that she has met in passing and has no painful or gruesome memories of. She says hellos to Arthur and the twins and Molly introduces her to Bill. They make small talk which she is admittedly bad at but makes do. Molly’s daughter Ginny wanders into the kitchen, stealing an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter. She is obviously lost in her thoughts as Molly has to call her name three times before she acknowledges her and notices the new addition in the kitchen.

“Honestly, Ginny.” The teen apologises and introduces herself to Eva, but the permanently worried expression is still etched onto her face. Her eyes seem too old for such a fresh face and her shoulders seem burdened with a heavy weight. Eva recognizes the expression as the one they all used to wear; children fighting a war.

It seems neither woman is much for small talk and they might be left standing in the kitchen awkwardly, searching for something to say if not for the arrival of Nymphadora Tonks. The young, extremely clumsy Auror makes Eva long for a shot of that firewhisky for the first time since she arrived. She can’t really put her finger on it but it is like that address all over again. She should know that name. Even as she is absolutely certain she has never met Tonks before that night. Her mind works furiously even as she jokes around with Tonks and Ginny. They all laugh at Tonks’ antics as she changes her appearance rapidly. _Has she seen this woman before? No, one does not forget seeing Nymphadora Tonks. But something about her_ … She shakes her head and wishes for a firewhisky and bless her heart (or her mind-reading abilities) Tonks offers to dig out something to drink. At the offered choices she immediately chooses firewhisky. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks but she needs just that one to calm her nerves. (Ginny’s old eyes are all knowing but others seem to think nothing of it.) A deep sip of the drink settles her even as she wishes they had a different brand. The rich liquid is top shelf but it was always his preferred drink. She finishes the glass off and is instantly poured another. _Oh, well._

She finally remembers to inquire about the house and the terrible décor she had observed on her way through the house _. Oh yes, those are indeed house-elves heads. A row of it._ A phrase stirs something in her brain, but she pushes the thought away with a sip.

“The current owner appreciates the irony, though.” Tonks tells her. “His crazy pureblooded supremacist of a mother’s house used as the headquarters for the illegal fight against the biggest pureblood manic ever.” Eva’s attempt to find out more is thwarted by the dramatic arrival of a dark-haired man in a billowing robe. As she meets his cold black eyes, her world stops. She knows the night will only go downhill from here on. She wants to grab that bottle by the neck and forgo the glass. He has certainly not been in the original order. Quite the opposite actually. Still, the memories that assault her almost make her stumble. His hateful snarl at James, his sneer at Remus, his fierce desperate duelling stance, trying to blend in; (with Slytherins, Death Eater wannabe’s, the wall, something), his jealous glares whenever Lily spent time with anyone but him but also his involuntary smile as Lily laughed freely, her eyes shining, the mass of red hair whipping widely around her- _No! Enough of that!_

“Severus,” she manages for she has no idea how long they have been standing there in silence.

“He’s the spy for the Order.” The words tumble out of Tonks’ mouth in a hurry when she realizes they know each other as if she is afraid Eva might start screaming bloody murder at the sight of a Death Eater in the Order’s headquarters. It implies previous experience. Snape gives Tonks a murderous glare. Eva lets out a nervous chuckle but sobers immediately. A cold hand grips her stomach. _Is this because of Lily? For her? Could they have had him on their side in the first war too? If they had just given him a chance? If they had just treated him differently? If she had not been that selfish? If she had just encouraged Lily to forgive him? Could one day in her fifth year change everything? Could it have ended differently? Would she still be alive? Could one man change the course of history?_

_Yes. But not this man. Remember Eva?_

She empties another glass that she has no remembrance pouring and tries to push down her memories.

“And our Potions Professor.” Ginny pipes in trying to smooth the awkward situation. She at least doesn’t receive a burning glare for her effort and Eva welcomes the distraction from her train of thought.

“Really? Well, you were the best Potions student in our days.” No use being disagreeable from the start.

“You weren’t bad either, Marlowe.” Snape finally deigns to acknowledge her.

“A high praise,” Ginny whispers into her ear.

“Just good enough to get into Healer training. I didn’t have any real passion for it. Not like you and-” She stops just in time. She doesn’t want to talk about her. Doesn’t even want to think about her. But she was all they ever shared and looking at him, she is all Eva can think about. She hadn’t allowed herself to think about her that much in years. “Firewhisky?”

Snape seems to be on the verge of saying no but thinks better of it.

“Why not? This will be a long night.”

Making small talk with Severus Snape is her kind of hell. She tries anyway. Talks about her work as she tries not to drown in her guilt for not trying harder and listens about a discovery of a new potion as she tries to chase away Lily’s smiling face. As more people start arriving, some she knows like Mad-Eye Moody and some she thankfully doesn’t, she asks Ginny to show her to the bathroom. She needs a minute get a hold of herself. She stumbles slightly getting up from the chair. She frowns as she doesn’t remember drinking enough to be unsteady on her feet but it probably didn’t help, that she hadn’t eaten since morning and had just come from a thirty-six-hour shift.

Ginny leads her up the stairs, but they do not get much further than the entry hall. Eva is lost in her thoughts, so she doesn’t notice him until he almost runs them into the ground.

“Whoa! Remus where’s the fire? The meeting hasn’t started yet, you know. Professor Dumbledore isn’t even here yet.” Eva’s head snaps up even as she has a feeling her world is in slow motion.

“I am so sorry, Ginny. I didn’t-”

_Please not him. Just not him. Anyone but him_. Now that she stands in front of him, his startled green eyes boring into her, she realizes it is exactly what she feared the most. She couldn’t even consciously put it into words or a concept but now that he was here… Everything she has tried to avoid for fourteen years, all the guilt and the shame comes back with a vengeance. She has abandoned him when he needed her most. She left, not looking back, when she was all he had left. All the excuses she soothed herself with seem feeble _. I just couldn’t stay. I was a wreck. I wasn’t a human being anymore. I was nothing. I couldn’t even look at you. I couldn’t look at myself._ How easy it was to just leave. To just push him out of her life and her thoughts. She pushes down the bile rising from her stomach.

“Eva?”

“Hello, Remus.” She can hardly breath. A mix of joy and pain is etched onto the lines of his face and she knows exactly what he feels. Joy of seeing an old friend and pain of all the tainted memories it brings with. “I guess I should have known I will see you here.”

“Here?”

“At the Order’s meeting. Nothing like a little bit of war to bring old friends back together.”

He gives her a slight smile and she wants to jump into his arms and cry. Cry, cry, cry until she has nothing left. Cry, cry, cry like she hadn’t in more than a decade. She realizes she has missed her friend so much it hurts.

“I missed you.” It is not fair to him, but she suddenly has to tell him. It is the only thing she can say. Remus swallows a lump in his throat.

“I missed you too.” He takes a step towards her as if to hug her when he suddenly stops in his tracks, his eyes shining with a terrible realization and guilt. “Oh, Merlin. You don’t know, do you?”

She fells a chill go down her spine at his horrified expression. _What else so horrible could possibly happen that hadn’t already?_

Remus doesn’t tell her as they are interrupted from above.

“Remus? Is that you?” The owner of the voice, a black-haired teenager, doesn’t wait for the man to answer before hurrying down the stairs with a bushy-haired girl and one of the Weasley boys at his heals. “We haven’t seen you here for awhile. I guess that means an Order meeting tonight. Anything new?”

“James?” She knows it is not him. She knows it. But the resemblance is uncanny and for a moment there she is lost. She sees him standing there beside Remus, two friends looking at her like it is twenty years prior. She wants to drown into the memory.

“Eva?” Ginny’s worried voice wakes her up from her trance and she realizes she is holding her elbow as if to steady her. “Are you okay?”

“Yes. Yeah.”

“That’s not-”

“I know. I know. I’m sorry.”

She meets the boy’s eyes and it finally sinks. Lily’s eyes. Her beautiful emeralds watching curiously from James Potter’s face.

“Eva, that’s Harry,” Remus speaks carefully as if afraid she might crack. She tries to pull herself together.

“Hello, Harry. My name’s Eva. Eva Marlowe.”

“You knew my parents.” Right for the jugular. Classic Lily Evans. She gives him a watery smile. Again, all she wants to do is cry in despair. How she had failed that boy. Failed him and failed Lily. Didn’t take care of him. Didn’t protect him. Didn’t see him grow up. Her only comfort is he was better off without her.

“Yes. Your mom was my best friend.” Even through her own pain she can see how the boy’s eyes sparkle hungrily at the mere mention of his mother.

“Are you an Order member? Will you be coming around often? Will you tell me about her?” It is the last thing she wants to do but she cannot deny him this.

“If you want to, of course. And you could, if you want that is, tell me about yourself?” She suddenly wants to know everything about him. She wants to know what her friends’ son turned out to be like. What kind of person is he.

Harry bites his lip uncertainly but nods anyway. She can’t stop looking at him. _So many years lost._

_She forgot. She can’t believe she forgot. How could she forget that she loved that boy? She loved Lily’s son with all her heart. How could she have had just pushed that out of her mind with everything else?_

Her unsteady legs are shaking, and she can feel the walls closing in on her. She needs to get out of there. She had already wronged them, Harry and Remus, in so many ways, she doesn’t want to give them more trouble.

“Eva? Are you sure you are okay?” Remus always was way too perceptive. “You look really pale.”

Ginny tightens the grip on her elbow and Eva tries to focus on the feel of her hand.

“I’m fine, Remus. That’s my natural colour these days. I spend most of my days under neon lights.” Remus doesn’t look convinced but doesn’t push either.

Eva tries to follow the conversation as she is introduced to Harry’s friends. She exchanges a few words with all the teens but is not really capable of a deeper conversation at the moment. They all protest as Remus tries to usher them away from the kitchen, up the stairs as the meeting is about to start. Harry seems at the edge of a blowout judging from anger in his eyes. She knows the signs of a budding explosion. She was Lily Evans’s friend for years. But it didn’t come to it. At least not then as they were once again interrupted.

“Well, look what the cat dragged in.” A mocking voice from the stairs stops all the fighting and Eva’s blood turns cold. _It couldn’t be. It couldn’t. But it was. She would know that voice anywhere. She recognized it even after fourteen years._ _How? How is that possible?_ She wonders if she has finally lost it. She stares at the wall hoping against hope it will all go away. “The wicked witch of the west.”

His steps echo ominously as he lazily descends the stairs to the entry hall until he is directly in front of her, and she is forced to raise her eyes to his. She is not prepared for this. Not prepared for the mix of affection, nostalgia, hatred and betrayal that consume her all at once. And guilt for the bittersweet memories that dare to surface in her mind. Not prepared to see his sunken hunted eyes or his unhealthy pale complexion. The stark contrast between the handsome boy she once knew, and this shell of a human being shakes her to the core. Gone is the playful smile, in its place she gets an accusing glare of betrayal. His nostrils flare angrily as he turns away from her as if he can’t even look at her.

She goes from this heart-breaking inspection of him to remembering what he did. She unconsciously rubs her palm over her chest to ease the pain that she never could get rid of. And never will. And then... Something is not right, she realizes. No one is screaming, no one is surprised at his presence. She glances at Remus and is once again faced with his guilty devastated face and she knows. _She knows._ But still, she doesn’t want to believe it.

“Remus?” With one word she pleads, she begs, she needs it not to be true.

“I’m sorry, Eva.”

“No. No, no, no, no. Remus, please.” Her lips are trembling so hard; she can hardly get the words out of her mouth.

“You don’t have to worry. Sirius is innocent.” Ron tries to comfort her but only manages to get a dry broken sob for his efforts.

Eva wrenches herself away from Ginny towards Remus. She grabs the lapels of his worn coat in a tight grip and shakes him like she can make him change the history.

“Remus, please say it isn’t true. Say it isn’t true. Please. Please. Please.”

But all Remus does is look at her with pity. Pity and understanding. For they will share this burden for the rest of their lives.

“Sirius? What is going on?” Harry doesn’t understand what is happening.

“Don’t worry Harry. Just not all reunions are happy ones.” There is pure acid in his voice. Meant for her. Of course, meant for her. And she deserves it. She deserves all the hatred he has for her. She can’t look at him.

“Wasted… all those years… wasted… how could… how could I … please… please…my memories… all tainted…my Lily… disappointed… so disappointed…”

Remus tries to shush her ramblings, comfort her, hug her and shield her from the increasing number of people now in the entry hall.

“Eva, calm down. Why don’t we sit down and-”

“No!”

She pushes away from him. She is not totally in control of herself. Her eyes are wide and glazed over as she is standing in a circle of faces. She can’t breathe. A black fog is descending upon her from the edges of her vision. She needs to get away. She moves backwards like a haunted animal until she hits a wall. But even there she finds no respite. The painting behind her suddenly comes alive and starts screaming obscenities. Eva stumbles away hastily, trips over her own feet but is spared from tumbling face down onto the floor by hands on either side of her.

She recognizes the horrible screaming woman in the painting and suddenly knows where she is. All the pieces suddenly fall into place. The address, Tonks, the portrait.

“Number 12 Grimmauld Place.” Her voice is only a breathless whisper.

It seems the woman in the portrait recognizes her too as the stream of general insults stops suddenly.

“YOU! BLOOD TRAITOR WHORE! YOU SCUM! You ruined them both! YOU KILLED THEM BOTH! MURDERER! BITCH! You took them both away from me. YOU KILLED THEM! WHORE! YOU KILLED THEM BOTH!”

It is like somebody poured ice water all over her. Because she is right. She ruined them both. She can’t listen to this anymore. She shakes her head and looks around at all the faces in the entry hall, looking for something to latch on. But all she finds is hatred, confusion and pity. Finally, her desperate gaze lands on the face closest to her. Harry Potter is half holding her upright with Severus Snape of all people holding her other arm, but she is not aware of any of this. She finds her friend in the deep green of his eyes.

“Lily. Lily, please no more. No more. I can’t take no more.” Her heart-breaking wail is at last silenced as something is poured down her throat and the edges that have been threatening to close in on her finally embrace her into darkness.


	2. Drugged out of her mind

After Snape pours a vial of what is presumably a Calming Draught down Eva Marlowe’s throat and she unexpectedly drops down into a faint, so he is forced to catch her in his arms or leave her to tumble to the floor, as Potter is of course of no use, the room is frozen for a single moment before all hell breaks loose.

“What in the blazes is going on?”

“Who is that woman?”

“What the hell, Sirius?”

“Did you have to do that?”

“What did you do to her, Snape?”

“Somebody get that hag to shut up!”

“What is wrong with her?”

Everybody finally stops yelling with the arrival of Albus Dumbledore who only looks at Eva with raised eyebrows.

“Oh, dear. It seems I am too late.”

Snape rolls his eyes at the headmaster’s theatrical antics, Ginny eyes him suspiciously and Remus calls him out on his bullshit directly.

“Don’t play me for a fool, Albus. You could have warned her. She came in here totally clueless. She had no idea what she was getting herself in, coming into this house. She was ambushed.”

Not denying anything, Albus Dumbledore bows his head.

“You are quite right, Remus. I admit I postponed telling her anything for fear of driving her away for good.”

Remus deflates immediately. He is not angry at Dumbledore. He just feels guilty.

“We should have told her last year. How could I have forgotten about her?”

Dumbledore shakes his head.

“It wasn’t time yet.” And he was afraid of her reaction. She had finally seemed to have her life in some semblance of order and he didn’t want to disrupt it. Not after the last time he’d seen her. Oh, the last time…

Severus Snape clears his throat as everybody seems to have forgotten about an unconscious woman sagging from his arms.

“Is anybody going to help getting her to the couch or should I just drop her to the floor?” To his annoyance the first ones to react are Potter and his friends. Of-bloody-course. Hi sighs, but with their help moves her over to the couch and drops her unceremoniously. Frowning, he checks her pupils. Out cold. Tonks comes over to stand by him frowning too.

“What did you give her? A sleeping potion? I have never seen anybody drop that fast.”

“No, it was just a Calming Draught. It was not even supposed to knock her out.”

“She was on the verge of fainting even before that, Professor.” Ginny Weasley takes initiative and approaches her Potions Professor. She is good enough a potions student for her to not be scoffed at and called a dunderhead. “Not to mention she emptied half a bottle of Sirius’ best firewhisky on top of working a thirty-six hour shift and obviously being under a lot of stress since she entered this house.”

Snape nods. It makes sense.

“Yes. She is bound to sleep for a few hours then.”

“Let’s leave her to rest then. We should proceed with the meeting. I will fill her in some other day.” Dumbledore ushers the adults to the kitchen and lets the teenagers to watch over Eva.

# # #

Eva Marlowe is no stranger to rough wake ups. She had acquired a whole assortment of them in the last two decades and this one was right up there with sniffing a few lines of coke and washing it down with a mix of peach schnapps and Pepper-up potion. That had been a disaster she hadn’t attempted a second time after waking up in some stranger’s place with a terrible headache, sick, dizzy, confused, wishing for a quick death, crumbled between a very dirty wall and an even dirtier toilet, having no idea how she got there. That had been almost a decade ago when she was still trying to actively self-destruct on daily basis. In the last few years she had toned down on the various substances, rather burying herself in work and only letting loose every once in a while when she had too much time on her hands and wanted to escape from her own head.

Thus, she is confused by her swimming vision and failure to recognize her surroundings or remember how she came to be laying on someone’s couch. (Well, at least it wasn’t bathroom’s floor.) She can’t even remember going out. _What was the last thing she did? Where did she go? Didn’t she work late the day before?_

It takes an enormous effort lifting her head even an inch. She tries to take in what she sees, but her vision blurs and a bile rises up her oesophagus. She puts her head back down, closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. The musty smell doesn’t help much. She hears rustling and a whispered conversation and feels someone moving towards her. After she is fairly certain whoever approached her is not about to be showered in vomit, she cautiously opens her eyes fearing the worst. A kind worried face with a halo of red hair is not what she is usually faced with in those kind of situations.

“Eva? How are you feeling?”

She looks on at the girl in complete confusion, digging through her brain for something to click. She feels high as a kite. 

“Eva?”

“What…? Where am I?” Her voice is scratchy like she hadn’t used it for some time.

“At the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. Remember?” The girl speaks carefully as if she is a frightened animal and she doesn’t want to startle her.

_Order of the Phoenix? What? Dumbledore. Right. Was that today?_ Slowly it starts coming back to her. She was tired and anxious coming here. And then the strange house. Molly. The twins. Ginny.

“Ginny?”

“Yes.”

“Right, right.” She remembers drinking some firewhisky. _Is that enough to knock her out these days?_ She must be getting old. “What happened?”

Ginny looks uncomfortable and exchanges a glance with someone Eva can’t see.

“Well… You got really upset. Professor Snape gave you a Calming Draught and it knocked you right out. It probably doesn’t mix well with alcohol.” It really doesn’t, Eva can guarantee it first-hand.

“Snape?”

Then, suddenly, something clicks. _Snape?_ Snape and his accusing eyes boring into her. Her breathing quickens as she tries in vain to get up from the couch. But she is too weak and her brain is still clouded from the potion.

“Calm down, Eva. Just lie back down.” Ginny tries to calm her, but Eva can’t really hear her. Nor does she hear as Ginny tells her friends to go get somebody.

“Marlowe?” She is only brought back from her thoughts by Severus Snape hovering above her. “Calm yourself.”

“I’m sorry.” She slurs, the saliva gathering in her mouth, that doesn’t seem to cooperate with her brain. Snape frowns at her confusedly but placates her anyway.

“It is alright. Now, how do you feel?”

“I am so sorry.” In hindsight, she knows she would never had said anything. Especially not then in a house full of people he despises. But she is drugged out of her mind and the only thing she can focus on is her own guilt. “I’m so sorry. So sorry, so sorry, so sorry. I should have done better. But I was so selfish. I wanted her for myself. And then I finally had her for myself. She was mine. My friend. My best friend. Only mine.”

She babbles uncontrollably, the words flying out of her mouth in no particular order. She can’t see the adults’ uncomfortable glances or the teenagers’ curious ones.

“And I failed her. I failed her. You wouldn’t have. If she just had you! You wouldn’t have let her die! I should have convinced her. I should have insisted! I was selfish. Oh, my Lily. My Lily.”

She is finally forced to stop talking when another potion is forced down her throat by an irate Snape and she slacks into the couch, her limbs heavy and her mind in a fog. Time passes or maybe it doesn’t, but she has no idea.

“Well, at least this one didn’t knock her out.” Dazedly, Eva slowly turns her head towards the woman speaking and is met with bright pink hair. She smiles lazily and beckons the woman to come closer. Tonks kneels at her side and Eva raises her heavy hand to caress her face.

“I should have recognized you before.” Tonks frowns confusedly.

“I don’t think we’ve met before.” Eva just continues to smile like a lunatic and runs her hand all over the younger woman’s face.

“You can change however you want but those you can’t hide.” She runs her finger over her cheek. “Those cheekbones. The Black family trait. I would know. I spent enough time looking at them.” This gets a smile out of Tonks.

“My best feature. I get it from my mother.”

“Your mother?”

“Andromeda.” Eva smiles again.

“Sirius’s favourite cousin. Regulus’ too.” Her face clouds as she remembers something through her haze. Her sudden sorrow shows clearly. “I killed him. She was right. I killed him. I told him he was useless. And then he was dead. I killed him!”

Even before she can begin to hyperventilate, once again she has a mouth full of potion. The conversation already forgotten, she looks on as if from out of her own body as the room spins, the faces bob in and out of focus and conversations arise around the room. Time lapses. _How much time has passed? Seconds? Minutes? Hours?_

“Severus, is it really wise to give her more Calming Draught. She doesn’t seem to respond well to it?” Eva has no idea that the conversation is about her, can’t even distinguish the words one from another. Everything is a blur and she is swimming in it, her senses mixing together in a weird blend.

“You calm her down then, Lupin, if you’re so smart.”

“I am not saying-” Eva finally finds some focus through the mix of colours and sounds.

“Remus?”

“Eva. It’s alright. You are safe.”

“I am always safe with you,” she slurs. Remus snorts at this but sits down at her side and smooths down her hair.

“I think all those potions are messing with your memory.” Well, that is an understatement of the century. She can’t even remember what she said two minutes previously.

“Are not. I always felt safe with you. I always trusted you. Always, always.” The mood quickly turns sombre which is no wonder as her carefully constructed defences are absolutely fried. Remus smiles sadly.

“I know. It’s ok, Eva.”

“It’s not okay. Not okay at all. You were always good to me and I was a bad friend. A bad person. I- I abandoned you. I didn’t even say goodbye. I didn’t-” Her voice breaks in agony as Remus keeps on stroking her hair. There are no words to console her anyway. And as much as Remus wants to assure her he doesn’t blame her, a small part of him does feel resentful. He himself is not without blame; it is not as if he went looking for her. He knows perfectly well it was easier to just forget about the friends that were left behind, way easier than look at them every day and remember.

“What is done is done, Eva. Just rest now. Close your eyes and rest.” He tries to get her to calm down on her own because Remus knows their only other option are potions.

It is tempting to just let go, but there is something nagging at the back of her rattled mind. _What did she forget?_ Again she is vaguely aware time has passed _._

There is movement behind Remus and with trouble she turns her eyes and tries to focus. She is transported back in time or really isn’t even aware what decade it is.

“Jamie? Can I see it again? Come on. Please?” James looks uncomfortable and James Potter was so rarely uncomfortable. “No, no. You’re not James. You’re Harry. Harry.” She nods exaggeratedly to herself and then frowns confusedly. “But… Harry is only a baby. Isn’t he?”

Eva turns her glazed dilated pupils towards the man standing beside James/Harry. He presses his lips together, his face a mix of pity and hatred and she remembers.

“James is dead.” She says this matter-of-factly. And from this on, it all starts coming back to her. _What she had forgotten. What her mind had been shielding her from_.

_Sirius. Azkaban. Innocent. Innocent. Innocent._

The Calming Drought seems to lose all its potency in that second. Her breath quickens and her whole body shakes.

“Calm down, Eva.” She can hear Remus’ voice somewhere in the distance but his words don’t reach her. She can only focus on Sirius’ sallow skin and his haunted eyes.

“Severus!” Somewhere above or beyond her Tonks snaps at Snape as he reaches to dose her once again. “That’s enough!” Severus sends her a death glare but relents. For now. But Eva is not aware of any of that.

_What did she do? How could she? How could this happen? How? How? How?_

“How?” It is only one word but they all seem to know what she wants to know. Remus contemplates postponing the explanation and trying to calm her down once again, but figures they have to tell her something. She deserves it anyway. He should had told her before. It’s not Remus that answers her but Harry.

“It was Peter Pettigrew. He betrayed my parents.” She opens her lips a few times before finally saying anything.

“Peter is dead.”

“He is not. He faked his own death and framed Sirius for his murder.” She can’t grasp his words. Probably couldn’t even if she _wasn’t_ under the heavy influence. She looks at Remus for denial or confirmation. Remus nods but Eva shakes her head in denial.

“He was the Potters’ Secret Keeper. He betrayed them to Voldemort.”

“But… But… He was so… He was Peter… We did crosswords together. I- I helped him with potions essays. Lily- Lily tutored him through seven years of charms. He would still be in Flitwick’s class if it wasn’t for her!”

“And that was our downfall. Underestimating him.” Sirius’ bitter remark at last hits her in the heart _._

_It was Peter. It wasn’t Sirius that killed her friends. It was Peter. It was Peter. It wasn’t Sirius. And it was so easy for her to believe it too. Never doubting. Never asking for his explanation. If only she confronted him… Why was it so easy to believe it? Why didn’t she question it? How could she? Lily would be horrified. She would be so disappointed. Lily would never believe it. Lily would overcome her own pain and go see him. She would never be this selfish._

She doesn’t notice when she starts to hyperventilate. Once again Remus is at her side, comforting her.

“You didn’t know. None of us did. We couldn’t know. No one could. We just found out last year.” His words really offer her no comfort.

Suddenly snippets of a conversation from a long time ago come back to her. A conversation she was barely present for, drunk to the point of catalepsy, sick with grief and angry. So, so angry.

_“I don’t think he did it... you have to listen to me… we haven’t been on the best of terms for a long time… but I can’t believe it… I heard things… listen to me… stop being a drunk for one second… we have to do something...”_ They are just words from a long time ago, that she has almost entirely forgotten about. Try as she might she can never forget what her slurred answer was. _“You want to do something? You haven’t done anything in your entire live. All you do is talk, talk, talk. Talk about hating Voldemort. Talk about leaving the Death Eaters. Talk about doing the right thing. Talk, talk, talk. You are useless!”_ It was the last thing she ever said to him as he was dead a week later.

“But he knew. He knew. And I didn’t listen. I didn’t listen! I killed him. She was right. I killed them both!”

Harry Potter watches on in fascinated horror as his mother’s former best friend’s agony is halted by another of Snape’s potions. Sleeping potion finally knocks her out and this time nobody protests. Glancing at a still aloof and angry Sirius, Harry’s curiosity is peaked. He has been present at Sirius’ and Remus’ reunion. It took Sirius less than a second to forgive his old friend. Yet, he could hardly spare a sympathetic glance for a woman clearly in anguish. Harry has just met her and he could hardly have listened to her wails. Funny, though, how a person could be in so much pain but not drop a single tear.

# # #

The next time she wakes up, she knows a lot of time has passed. She feels rested and free of all substances. The room she is in is bathed in sunlight. Her limbs are heavy, but after a few moments of confusion, her mind seems clearer. She is aware of her body and she has some idea of where she is. She remembers coming for the Order’s meeting, remembers meeting people, strangers and old friends. It gets very vague after that. There are fragments she remembers (Snape, Tonks, Remus, Peter, _oh god, was that real_?), but doesn’t really understand how she came to be lying on the couch with everyone looking down on her. _Did she really drink that much? Oh, somebody kept feeding her Calming drought._

She considers running away. Just getting up, finding her shoes and fleeing. To Antarctica. The thought is so damn appealing. Let somebody else deal with all this shit. _Yeah? Who is that going to be, hm, Eva? Harry Potter?_ The thought sobers her and she sighs heavily. _No more running for you, Marlowe._

She can hear the door to her room open and considers feigning sleep. _What did I just say, Marlowe? No running._ She breathes a sigh of relief seeing Ginny entering with some tea.

“Oh. You’re awake. Good. I brought you some tea.” Ginny seems weary of her and Eva shudders at the spectacle she has caused the previous day. She sits up and tries to smile to reassure the teen she is not about to fly into a hysteric fit. She has never been one for hysteria and melodrama. She usually has a tight reign over her emotions. She can’t remember the last time she cried.

The girls chat for a while about easy things like school and work. Just as Eva is about to get up and brave the way out of this cursed house, they are interrupted by a knock on the door. Harry doesn’t wait to be invited to enter, mainly because the last five times he come knocking, he got no answer. His eyes widen at the sight of her.

“Oh. You’re awake.”

“Yes. I was just about to leave. I have already overstayed my welcome.”

“You don’t have to go yet. Maybe you should rest some more. You really didn’t look that well yesterday.” Harry seems worried, probably for Eva’s mental health. Ginny nods along. Eva cringes.

“What happened yesterday? And how long have I been asleep?” Harry and Ginny exchange glances and decide to answer the easy one.

“You’ve slept for fourteen hours. It’s nearly noon.”

“What? Merlin…” She really is getting old.

“You were tired,” Ginny soothes. “And all those potions would knock out a fully grown hippogriff.”

Right. Potions. She has downed so many potions in her life she needs a triple dose of everything to take effect.

“Really, what exactly happened yesterday?” She needs to know. There is no way around it and she would rather hear it from those two, then had it thrown in her face by Sirius. She knew his vicious streak well.

After another anxious glance between them they reach an unspoken agreement.

“Well, what do you remember?” Ginny asks carefully. Eva tries to pull it all together in her head.

“I came a bit early. Knocked. Met Molly. Then your dad and your brothers and you and Tonks- She is Sirius’ cousin isn’t she?” Harry and Ginny nod. “Didn’t realize it then. Couldn’t put my finger on it, but something bothered me. Like that address… Anyway then came Snape and it all went downhill from there.” Harry mumbles something under his breath. “Sorry?”

“I said it usually does when he is involved.” That gets a startled laugh out of Eva.

“That’s what your dad used to say.” They smile at each other and Eva feels something change. She swallows down a lump in her throat and continues. “We drank some firewhisky. I probably should have eaten something before that. Then we went upstairs, met Remus, then Harry and his friends and then… Sirius came down stairs and I couldn’t understand. And then… Mrs Black… That horrible woman. She was almost as bad when she was alive. Then it all gets kind of blurry… Severus gave me some kind of potion?”

Harry nods in confirmation.

“You were really freaking out so Snape simply forced a potion in your mouth. And you fainted on the spot right into Snape’s arms.”

“I have never fainted in my life!” Eva’s indignant exclamation startles Harry and gets an amused chuckle out of Ginny.

“Okay, then you were knocked out by a Calming Drought. That better?” Ginny teases her. Eva is not amused.

“Whatever. Continue.”

“After that you slept for about two hours while Dumbledore arrived and they proceeded with the meeting and we watched over you.” Harry’s voice is bitter and she remembers his fight with Remus from the previous day and his anger at being excluded. She needs more information before she can say anything, but now is not the time. “The meeting was almost over when you woke up, Snape came and keep dosing you with potions until you were turning your eyes into your head and foaming at the mouth. After you fell back to sleep, we moved you to this room.”

Eva frowns because she knows for a fact this was not all, she can remember parts of conversations.

“Thank you for sparing me guys, but I really need more than that. I do remember some things. I’m just not sure what is real and what is a figment of my imagination. About Peter… Was that real?”

They look uncomfortable, but nod anyway. Eva pushes down all the emotions threatening to surface. _Later._

“He was the Secret Keeper? He faked his own death?” Another nod. “How did you all find out?” Eva listens in horror and fascination about the adventures of Harry’s third year in Hogwarts. The story is bittersweet, but Eva is fascinated with the way Harry’s eyes light up as he talks about his friends and quidditch and invisibility cloak and the Marauders’Map and Remus, Hagrid, Malfoy, time turners, Hippogriffs and Sirius.

“If only Pettigrew didn’t escape.” Harry angrily punches the side of the bed making both girls jump in surprise. “Then Sirius would be free and I could move in with him.” _He loves him._ He hasn’t known him that long, but Eva realises Harry loves his godfather. It has been a long time since she had such trouble swallowing her tears.

“I wouldn’t have to go back to the Dursleys ever again.” Eva frowns at this.

“Oh, Harry. Just because you met Sirius doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever go back to your relatives. They had been your family for fourteen years. You shouldn’t just abandon them like this.”

“They wouldn’t care.” Harry says this as if it is final, but Eva is very confused. She knows teenagers can be sullen and resentful, but what could they have possibly done to him to make him think they wouldn’t care and to want to simply move in with a convicted felon. Even if he was innocent. She wants to inquire further but Harry cuts her off. “Anyway since Pettigrew escaped, Sirius has to hide out here in his parents’ house. He hates it.”

“I know.” They are all quiet for some time before Eva remembers she still doesn’t know all that happened. “What else did I say?” Ginny and Harry look like they really hoped she had forgotten about that. Ginny takes over anyway.

“You rambled a lot. Mostly it was all a jumbled mess about Hogwarts and Harry’s parents, Sirius, Remus, Peter, even Snape, your patients, potions, Dumbledore and so on. You kept saying sorry to Snape. He seemed like he wanted to kill you for it”

Eva vaguely remembers apologising to Snape. _Did she mention something about Lily? Merlin, no wonder he wanted to kill her. What was she thinking?!_ Not much. Or rather, too much. And with her emotional walls lowered, everything seemed to come out _. She was never going to live this down._

“Professor McGonagall came to see you before she left. That was really funny.” Harry and Ginny both laugh.

_“I lied to you, professor,” she declared solemnly. McGonagall only raised her eyebrows at this. “My essay on human transfiguration? It didn’t get eaten by a dog. Sirius spilled firewhisky on it and then tried to lick it off. Waste not want not, you know. But it was beyond recognition.” Then she frowned thoughtfully. “Then again, maybe it did get eaten by a dog.” She thought really hard on it. “You should give him detention.”_

“And McGonagall said very seriously: _“I most certainly will.”_ It was hilarious.”

Eva groans in mortification, but it seems the teenagers are not done yet, now that they are on a roll.

“Poor Remus kept on comforting you, but when you told him you ate all his chocolates, I thought he might strangle you.”

_“I was the one that ate all your special Belgian pralines. They were just sitting there on the table, all yummy and I just wanted one. And it was so good and creamy. And then I thought what is one more. And one more. And then the box was empty so I packed it back up and tied a ribbon on it and left it on James’ armchair. And I let you think it was the boys that did it. But it was me.” Everybody kept snickering as Remus gritted his teeth at a pair of innocent brown eyes staring at him._

Eva remembers none of that. It seems the only things sticking with her were the ones that were overwrought with emotion. Apologising to Snape, recognizing Tonks, Peter, talking to Remus, James, _No_ _Harry_.

“I thought you were your dad again, didn’t I ? I am very sorry, Harry.”

“No, no, you were very confused. It’s alright. And you basically knew who I was. You kept talking to yourself, answering all the questions on your own.”

“So, is that all? Mostly? I don’t need a word for word script. Just the main points.” The teenagers shuffle awkwardly, looking anywhere but at her and she knows she is still missing something. She tries to remember but comes up empty.

“Mostly.” Harry nods at her, still not looking her in the eye. His face is as red as a lobster. Eva stares at them in anxious anticipation not saying anything. _Does she want to hear that?_ Ginny, obviously the bolder of the two in emotional matters, sighs half in resignation and half in exasperation.

“Ok, listen carefully because I am only going to say this once. At one point you came out of your droopiness, looked directly at Sirius, and said and I quote: _¨I don’t know why you bother with her when we both know I give better head_. ¨”


End file.
